SO DON'T BE GREEDY NOW!
DO BETTER NEXT SEMESTER!
YEHAAAAAA!!!!!!
Thursday, 26 May 2011
Oh Gosh! All Passed!
Year 2 Semester 1's result is finally out! I Passed all! Mandi also senyum wide wide like orang bodoh. LOL. Passed!!! But the result is ain't pretty. BUT ALL PASSED! That's what I hoped for actually. In fact, it's better than what I actually hoped for.
Monday, 9 May 2011
This is going to be an emo post.
It has been 15 months. They say time heals, but I don't think it applies for everything. It has already been 15 months. My wound has never been healed. It feels like a freshly cut wound, hardens with dried blood, occasionally when the dried blood fell off, I began to bleed again. It happens again, and again, and again.
Sometimes I forgot, everything seems normal. But I think about him everyday. Unintentionally. It felt like there is a mark that I can't rub it off, it is a fact that I will carry on for the rest of my life, it is something that I am conscious about. But sometimes I do forget, but I will remember again very soon after that. It's at the back of my head.
This IS a wound that will never heal. I can't relate myself to anybody else. I do feel different. There are some jokes that I can't take anymore. There are some jokes that I can't laugh anymore. Even if it is a very normal thing to discuss in a lecture hall, I do feel sensitive. But I pretend nothing happened. I do not like self-pity and certainly do not want others to pity me. I do not like to feel pitiful as well. I even made a joke after it or brush it off as if I don't care. I actually do care. A lot. But I just don't want people around me feel uncomfortable.
Anything that relates to death, siblings and parents. That will make a pinch in my heart. Till this day, I can never forget what I have encountered and what I have been through. I struggled hard, indeed. But nobody will ever understand. I have learnt so many things. Lately I have developed a very strong personality, which is wanting to always be in control. I know it may bring some discomfort for some other people, but they will never understand how suffering it can be, for not being in control. I have been there, I felt so helpless. But there is nothing that I can do. Absolutely nothing. I felt so useless. I wished the person who was lying in the coffin was me.
There were times that I wanted to give up. But I can't. Because I promised my mum that I will not die before her. I have to keep that promise.
Sometimes I forgot, everything seems normal. But I think about him everyday. Unintentionally. It felt like there is a mark that I can't rub it off, it is a fact that I will carry on for the rest of my life, it is something that I am conscious about. But sometimes I do forget, but I will remember again very soon after that. It's at the back of my head.
This IS a wound that will never heal. I can't relate myself to anybody else. I do feel different. There are some jokes that I can't take anymore. There are some jokes that I can't laugh anymore. Even if it is a very normal thing to discuss in a lecture hall, I do feel sensitive. But I pretend nothing happened. I do not like self-pity and certainly do not want others to pity me. I do not like to feel pitiful as well. I even made a joke after it or brush it off as if I don't care. I actually do care. A lot. But I just don't want people around me feel uncomfortable.
Anything that relates to death, siblings and parents. That will make a pinch in my heart. Till this day, I can never forget what I have encountered and what I have been through. I struggled hard, indeed. But nobody will ever understand. I have learnt so many things. Lately I have developed a very strong personality, which is wanting to always be in control. I know it may bring some discomfort for some other people, but they will never understand how suffering it can be, for not being in control. I have been there, I felt so helpless. But there is nothing that I can do. Absolutely nothing. I felt so useless. I wished the person who was lying in the coffin was me.
There were times that I wanted to give up. But I can't. Because I promised my mum that I will not die before her. I have to keep that promise.
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